Mar 08 2008
Humor
General music jokes | Woodwind jokes | Brass jokes | Percussion jokes
Is your favorite band joke missing from the list?
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General music
Excerpt from a church bulletin: “Our mixed chorus sang last Sunday in a regional broadcast from Minneapolis. It was nice to hear them and realize they were nearly a thousand miles away.”
Why was Mozart lost?
Because his teacher was Haydn.
How Orson Wells described Donny Osmond’s musical talent: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A metronome.
What do you do with a bad conductor?
Stand next to him during a thunderstorm.
What is a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, Comb All Ye Faithful”
Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
Woodwinds
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Bassoon.
Bassoon who?
…
…
…
… Wait, is this where I come in?
Why do all the girls want alto players to ask them out?
Because alto players are so saxy.
How do you keep an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but I’d have to go through a whole box of bulbs before I found just the right one.
A community band was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player had missed several rehearsals — except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the last rehearsal before the concert drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance.
She humbly responded, “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the concert.”
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.
There have been many jokes made of the clarinet.
The worst is the saxophone.
How do you know there’s a flute player at your door?
You don’t, because they can never find the right key, and they don’t know when to make the entrance.
Brass
“Never look at trombones. It only encourages them.”
-Richard Strauss
Why did the trombone player break up with the violinist?
She kept stringing him along.
How are trumpet players like pirates?
They’re both murder on the high C’s.
Why did the post office recall the new trumpet player stamps?
Because people couldn’t tell which side to spit on.
What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.
Why are trumpet players buried six feet under?
Because deep down, we’re all nice people.
What do you call it when a tuba falls out a third-floor window onto a military officer?
A Flat Major.
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a human blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
So these two tuba players walk past a bar … wait, that would never happen.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
How many trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink beer until the room spins.
Two tuba players are sitting in a car. Who’s driving?
A police officer.
Percussion
What’s the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Why was the drummer so frustrated with his dinner salad?
It only contained half a beet.
Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves during parades.
How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
The knocking gets slower.
What’s the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug the vacuum in before it sucks.
Two girls are walking along when they hear, “Psst! Down here!”
They look down and see a frog beside the road. The frog says, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a world-famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!”
The girls look at each other, and one of them grabs the frog and stuffs it in her pocket.
The other girl says, “Why’d you do that?”
“I’m not stupid,” the first replies. “I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer.”
What has three legs and a butt on top?
A drum stool.
Why did they let a turkey join the band?
Because he had his own drumsticks.
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What do you call the people who do not play an instrument but hang out with the band to help out? Drummers
How can you really tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
It is very loud.
Why do you find him on the ground when you open the door?
He was trying to play drum set.
Why is it important to be nice to drummers?
Those unexpected random rehearsal rimshots
And what happens to a drummer when he loses one of his sticks?
He becomes the conductor.