May 28 2017

Humor

Published by

General music jokes | Woodwind jokes | Brass jokes | Percussion jokes


Is your favorite band joke missing from the list?
Submit your music-related humor in the comments area at the bottom of the page.


General music

What kind of music do balloons hate most?
Pop music.

Do you want to hear a joke about the fermata?
Hold on.

What would you get if Bach died and was reincarnated as twins?
A pair of Re-Bachs.

Why do so few wind instrument players also play piano?
It’s really hard to tilt the piano up to drain the spit.

Don’t you hate it when people think they can just waltz on into your room when what you’re listening to is CLEARLY in 4/4?

After Beethoven died, what happened to his 10th symphony?
It decomposed.

Why didn’t Vincent Van Gogh play in a community band?
He didn’t have an ear for music.

Question: What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?
Answer: You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
Follow-up question: But what about the glue?
Answer: I knew you’d get stuck there.

St. Peter was checking IDs. He asks a man, “What did you do on Earth?”
The man says, “I was a doctor.”
St. Peter says, “OK, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher.”
“Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician.”
“Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen … .”

Beginning music teacher: Now, class, what is the opposite of pp?
Student 1: Pooh-pooh.
Student 2: You usually play it in the second movement.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names.

So this musical chord walks into a bar to get a drink.
The bartender takes a look at the chord and says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re A minor.”

How do you make a piece of tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.

Excerpt from a church bulletin: “Our mixed chorus sang last Sunday in a regional broadcast from Minneapolis. It was nice to hear them and realize they were nearly a thousand miles away.”

Why was Mozart lost?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A metronome.

How Orson Wells described Donny Osmond’s musical talent: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

What do you do with a bad conductor?
Stand next to him during a thunderstorm.

What is a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, Comb All Ye Faithful.”

Woodwinds

Why did the sax player get a AAA membership?
He was always going flat.

Why is the Indy 500 the best place to listen to the Gordon Pipers?
They get drowned out by the race cars.

Why did the saxophone player stare at a frozen orange juice can for two hours?
Because the label said “concentrate.”

Why are flute players always disrupting movies?
They’re always coming in late.

After rehearsal, Steve asks the band to pass in some sheet music.

Sara starts picking up the stacks, but suddenly stops and exclaims at the clarinet section: “Why in the world are there reeds stuck to all of your pages?!”

Ellen answers, “Steve told us we needed to practice reeding our parts.”

What do bassoonists and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

The director stops the band because a saxophonist keeps playing extra notes.
“Sorry, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” says the saxophonist.
“Have you seen a doctor?” the director asks.
“No, just the spots.”

What do you call a saxophone player in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would peek at the inside flap of his jacket before resuming rehearsal. This went on for years, and the oboist became quite curious.

Finally, on a hot day, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went on break. The oboist waited until everyone was out of the room. She tiptoed over to the jacket, pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside.

It read: “Left hand top. Right hand bottom.”

Why couldn’t the oboe player get back in his front door?
He accidentally changed keys.

A zombie walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:

    Flute Brains: $1/pound
    Percussion Brains: $5/pound
    Tuba Brains: $10/pound
    Saxophone Brains: $100/pound

He asks the zombie butcher, “Rrrrrrgh! Why are the saxophone brains so expensive?”
The zombie butcher replies, “Rrrrrrgh! Do you know how many saxophone players it takes to get a pound of brains?”

What’s the difference between the element francium and a tuned-up clarinet?
Scientists say less than 30 grams of francium exists on earth at any one time and it decays in less than 20 minutes. In-tune clarinets are even rarer and their reeds decay even faster. Hey, it’s science.

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.

Ever wonder why so many weird noises come out of the business end of saxophones?
Adolph Sax never issued instructions on how to use saxophones. Over time, people have come to try to use them as wind instruments, but they actually were designed as percussion instruments. They were meant to be beaten by hammers. Extremely large hammers.

A trumpet player goes to buy a $1 pineapple from a saxophonist.
The saxophone player rings him up for $1.25.
Trumpet player says, “As usual, you’re a quarter off.”

What is the difference between a saxophone and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead.

Why did the director decide not to date the flute player?
Bad timing.

Is there a difference between the sound of a clarinet and a cat in heat?
Of course, but only if the cat is in good health.

How many saxophonists does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Bassoon.
Bassoon who?



… Wait, is this where I come in?

Why do all the girls want alto players to ask them out?
Because alto players are so saxy.

How do you keep an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.

How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but I’d have to go through a whole box of bulbs before I found just the right one.

A community band was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player had missed several rehearsals — except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the last rehearsal before the concert drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance.
She humbly responded, “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the concert.”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.

There have been many jokes made of the clarinet.
The worst is the saxophone.

How do you know there’s a flute player at your door?
You don’t, because they can never find the right key, and they don’t know when to make the entrance.

Brass

How do you get hold of musicians?
Euphonium.

Why was the trumpet player failing his tests?
He couldn’t find any of his notes.

Why do tuba players like to play Beethoven’s 9th?
Because everyone knows that in the 9th, the bassists get loaded.

Why did the trombone player stare at his orange juice box all day?
It said concentrate.

Why did the trumpet player walk around with his wallet open?
He had heard there would be some change in the weather.

Give be a “Bah!”
Bah!
Give me another “Bah!”
Bah!
What’s that spell?
Two bah!

How is a trumpet player like a bad student?
He always tries to take everyone else’s notes.

How do you get a trombonist to play slower?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
How do you get a trombonist to play even slower?
Put notes on the page.

Why do people play trombone?
Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Why don’t euphonium players ever catch colds?
Because even a virus has some pride.

Why did the frustrated trumpet player take his car to the mechanic?
He wanted something in his life to finally be in tune.

If you see a French horn player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.

What do a trumpet player and a lawyer have in common?
Folks love it when their case is closed.

Why did the trombone player break up with the violinist?
She kept stringing him along.

How are trumpet players like pirates?
They’re both murder on the high C’s.

Why did the post office recall the new trumpet player stamps?
Because people couldn’t tell which side to spit on.

“Never look at trombones. It only encourages them.”
-Richard Strauss

Why are trumpet players buried six feet under?
Because deep down, we’re all nice people.

What do you call it when a tuba falls out a third-floor window onto a military officer?
A flat major.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a human blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

So these two tuba players walk past a bar … wait, that would never happen.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.

How many trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink beer until the room spins.

Two tuba players are sitting in a car. Who’s driving?
A police officer.

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.

 

Percussion

What’s the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it.

Why did the percussionist take a radio everywhere he went?
To prove he could carry a tune.

What did the doctor say to the drummer who ate all of the Christmas decorations?
Well, Ron, looks like you have tinsilitis. Again.

What do a drummer and philosopher have in common?
Both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

Why was the drummer so frustrated with his dinner salad?
It only contained half a beet.

Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves during parades.

How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
The knocking gets slower.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug the vacuum in before it sucks.

Two girls are walking along when they hear, “Psst! Down here!”
They look down and see a frog beside the road. The frog says, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a world-famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!”
The girls look at each other, and one of them grabs the frog and stuffs it in her pocket.
The other girl says, “Why’d you do that?”
“I’m not stupid,” the first replies. “I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer.”

What has three legs and a butt on top?
A drum stool.

Why did they let a turkey join the band?
Because he had his own drumsticks.

Spacer

Why do all the girls want alto players to ask them out for Valentine’s Day?

2 responses so far

2 Responses to “Humor”

  1. Andyon 31 Mar 2008 at 2:21 pm

    What do you call the people who do not play an instrument but hang out with the band to help out? Drummers

    How can you really tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
    It is very loud.

    Why do you find him on the ground when you open the door?
    He was trying to play drum set.

    Why is it important to be nice to drummers?
    Those unexpected random rehearsal rimshots

    And what happens to a drummer when he loses one of his sticks?
    He becomes the conductor.

  2. roofing company columbuson 09 Apr 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Thanks for finally writing about > Columbus City Band ? Humor < Loved it!

Trackback URI | Comments RSS

Leave a Reply