Jokes

Categories: GENERAL | WOODWINDS | BRASS | PERCUSSION

Is your favorite band joke missing from the list?
Submit your music-related humor in the comments at the bottom of the page.

General music

A band conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Stay calm. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
… It’s syncing now.

Why does Paige get so upset after the band plays “Pomp & Circumstance” at graduation ceremonies?
She says there’s way too much name-calling after that.

Did you hear why Ron Duncan got kicked out of a karaoke bar after singing “Danger Zone” five times?
He exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Why do we never find any symphonies written by zombies?
Because they decompose.

Why can’t jazz musicians be trusted?
Because they always play sus chords.

What do string bass players have in common with physicists?
They’re really into string theory.

Why was the band sweating so hard during the graduation ceremony?
It felt like a thousand degrees in there.

What’s the problem with naming your band 999 Megabytes?
You never have a gig.

What’s the difference between rock and jazz musicians?
A rock musician plays four chords for an audience of millions.
A jazz musical plays millions of chords for an audience of four.

What is the Grinch’s least favorite band?
The Who.

I’m not a fan of elevator music.
It’s bad on so many levels.

What do you call vocal music accompanied by knee-slapping?
A patella.

What title does the monk who can hold a note the longest earn?
Gregorian Champ.

One windmill asks his windmill buddy, “Hey, buddy, what’s your favorite music?”
The windmill buddy replies: “I’m a big metal fan.”

Why couldn’t the jazz guitarist play Pomp and Circumstance at a venue that had only six electrical receptacles?
His equipment required a seventh cord.

What kind of music would a band named Duvet play?
It’s definitely a cover band.

How did a disembodied head end up inside a piano?
A zombie had been trying to play by ear.

I have a Polish friend who’s a sound engineer …
… and a Czech one, too.

What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes.

What’s the best song to sing when preparing your Thanksgiving turkey?
“All About That Baste.”

Patient: “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
Doc: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
Patient: “Is it common?”
Doc: “It’s not unusual.”

Why did the tortilla chips start dancing?
Someone put on the salsa.

What did George Harrison say to his gently weeping guitar?
Don’t fret.

Why do fish make such good musicians?
They know their scales.

What do you sing at an elf’s birthday party?
“Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow”

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

What kind of music do balloons hate most?
Pop music.

Do you want to hear a joke about the fermata?
Hold on.

What would you get if Bach died and was reincarnated as twins?
A pair of Re-Bachs.

Why do so few wind instrument players also play piano?
It’s really hard to tilt the piano up to drain the spit.

Don’t you hate it when people think they can just waltz on into your room when what you’re listening to is CLEARLY in 4/4?

After Beethoven died, what happened to his 10th symphony?
It decomposed.

Why didn’t Vincent Van Gogh play in a community band?
He didn’t have an ear for music.

Question: What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?
Answer: You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
Follow-up question: But what about the glue?
Answer: I knew you’d get stuck there.

St. Peter was checking IDs. He asks a man, “What did you do on Earth?”
The man says, “I was a doctor.”
St. Peter says, “OK, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher.”
“Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician.”
“Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen … .”

Beginning music teacher: Now, class, what is the opposite of pp?
Student 1: Pooh-pooh.
Student 2: You usually play it in the second movement.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names.

So this musical chord walks into a bar to get a drink.
The bartender takes a look at the chord and says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re A minor.”

How do you make a piece of tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.

Excerpt from a church bulletin: “Our mixed chorus sang last Sunday in a regional broadcast from Minneapolis. It was nice to hear them and realize they were nearly a thousand miles away.”

Why was Mozart lost?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A metronome.

How Orson Wells described Donny Osmond’s musical talent: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

What do you do with a bad conductor?
Stand next to him during a thunderstorm.

What is a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, Comb All Ye Faithful.”

Woodwinds

Why was the clarinet player so bad?
Because she never learned to reed.

A flute and a lawsuit walk into a bar.
Everyone was relieved to see the case was closed.

Why should you never pick a fight with clarinet players?
Because they woodwind.

Have you heard about the new instrument they call a dill piccolini?
It’s a small wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

What’s the name for those annoying insects that attack musicians at outdoor gigs?
Flute flies.

Where do saxophone players go if you leave them alone on a street?
They end up solo on Baker Street.

Why was the invisible flutist always playing solos?
She had no BODY to play with.

Why did the sax player get a AAA membership?
He was always going flat.

Why is the Indy 500 the best place to listen to the Gordon Pipers?
They get drowned out by the race cars.

Why did the saxophone player stare at a frozen orange juice can for two hours?
Because the label said “concentrate.”

Why are flute players always disrupting movies?
They’re always coming in late.

After rehearsal, Steve asks the band to pass in some sheet music.
Sara starts picking up the stacks, but suddenly stops and exclaims at the clarinet section: “Why in the world are there reeds stuck to all of your pages?!”
Ellen answers, “Steve told us we needed to practice reeding our parts.”

What do bassoonists and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

The director stops the band because a saxophonist keeps playing extra notes.
“Sorry, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” says the saxophonist.
“Have you seen a doctor?” the director asks.
“No, just the spots.”

What do you call a saxophone player in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

An oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would peek at the inside flap of his jacket before resuming rehearsal. This went on for years, and the oboist became quite curious.
Finally, on a hot day, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went on break. The oboist waited until everyone was out of the room. She tiptoed over to the jacket, pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside.
It read: “Left hand top. Right hand bottom.”

Why couldn’t the oboe player get back in his front door?
He accidentally changed keys.

A zombie walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
    Flute Brains: $1/pound
    Percussion Brains: $5/pound
    Tuba Brains: $10/pound
    Saxophone Brains: $100/pound
He asks the zombie butcher, “Rrrrrrgh! Why are the saxophone brains so expensive?”
The zombie butcher replies, “Rrrrrrgh! Do you know how many saxophone players it takes to get a pound of brains?”

What’s the difference between the element francium and a tuned-up clarinet?
Scientists say less than 30 grams of francium exists on earth at any one time and it decays in less than 20 minutes. In-tune clarinets are even rarer and their reeds decay even faster. Hey, it’s science.

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.

Ever wonder why so many weird noises come out of the business end of saxophones?
Adolph Sax never issued instructions on how to use saxophones. Over time, people have come to try to use them as wind instruments, but they actually were designed as percussion instruments. They were meant to be beaten by hammers. Extremely large hammers.

A trumpet player goes to buy a $1 pineapple from a saxophonist.
The saxophone player rings him up for $1.25.
Trumpet player says, “As usual, you’re a quarter off.”

What is the difference between a saxophone and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead.

Why did the director decide not to date the flute player?
Bad timing.

Is there a difference between the sound of a clarinet and a cat in heat?
Of course, but only if the cat is in good health.

How many saxophonists does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Bassoon.
Bassoon who?
…
…
…
… Wait, is this where I come in?

Why do all the girls want alto players to ask them out?
Because alto players are so saxy.

How do you keep an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.

How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but I’d have to go through a whole box of bulbs before I found just the right one.

A community band was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player had missed several rehearsals — except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the last rehearsal before the concert drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance.
She humbly responded, “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the concert.”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.

There have been many jokes made of the clarinet.
The worst is the saxophone.

How do you know there’s a flute player at your door?
You don’t, because they can never find the right key, and they don’t know when to make the entrance.

Brass

I have a few jokes about unemployed trombone players …
But none of them work.

Why are trombone players such terrible bakers?
They never know the right measure.

When planning for the zombie apocalypse, how do trumpet players reassure each other?
“Zombies usually eat brains, so we’re all totally safe.”

Why did the beatnik keep his trumpet out in the snow?
He wanted to play it cool, daddy-o.

Why did the shy trumpet player keep borrowing other people’s instruments?
He hated to toot his own horn.

How is it low brass players always seem to stay off Santa’s naughty list?
No one knows how, but they manage to stay out of treble.

Why doesn’t the elf like to play his trumpet in public?
He has low elf-esteem.

Why should you never ask trombone players who won?
Because they don’t know how to read the score.

What do you call a documentary about trombones?
A slide show.

How was the trumpet solo described by the Canine Gazette’s arts reporter?
“Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!”

What is a sheep’s favorite instrument?
The tu-baaaa.

How do you get hold of musicians?
Euphonium.

Why did the trumpet player keep failing his tests?
He couldn’t find any of his notes.

Why do tuba players like to play Beethoven’s 9th?
Because everyone knows that in the 9th, the bassists get loaded.

Why did the trombone player stare at his orange juice box all day?
It said concentrate.

Why did the trumpet player walk around with his wallet open?
He had heard there would be some change in the weather.

Give be a “Bah!”
Bah!
Give me another “Bah!”
Bah!
What’s that spell?
Two bah!

How is a trumpet player like a bad student?
He always tries to take everyone else’s notes.

How do you get a trombonist to play slower?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
How do you get a trombonist to play even slower?
Put notes on the page.

What kind of people play trombone?
The ones who can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Why don’t euphonium players ever catch colds?
Because even a virus has some pride.

Why did the frustrated trumpet player take his car to the mechanic?
He wanted something in his life to finally be in tune.

If you see a French horn player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.

What do a trumpet player and a lawyer have in common?
Folks love it when their case is closed.

Why did the trombone player break up with the violinist?
She kept stringing him along.

How are trumpet players like pirates?
They’re both murder on the high C’s.

Why did the post office recall the new trumpet player stamps?
Because people couldn’t tell which side to spit on.

“Never look at trombones. It only encourages them.”
-Richard Strauss

Why are trumpet players buried six feet under?
Because deep down, we’re all nice people.

What do you call it when a tuba falls out a third-floor window onto a military officer?
A flat major.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a human blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

So these two tuba players walk past a bar … wait, that would never happen.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.

How many trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink beer until the room spins.

Two tuba players are sitting in a car. Who’s driving?
A police officer.

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.

Percussion

Did you know Oct. 10 is National Hug a Drummer Day?
Unfortunately it doesn’t coincide with National Drummers Take a Shower Day.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all of his daughters the same name?
He named them Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3 …

Why do drummers make terrible cardiologists?
They can never find a beat.

What’s the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it.

Why did the percussionist take a radio everywhere he went?
To prove he could carry a tune.

What did the doctor say to the drummer who ate all of the Christmas decorations?
Well, Ron, looks like you have tinsilitis. Again.

What do a drummer and philosopher have in common?
Both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.

Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

Why was the drummer so frustrated with his dinner salad?
It only contained half a beet.

Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves during parades.

How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
The knocking gets slower.

What’s the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug the vacuum in before it sucks.

Two girls are walking along when they hear, “Psst! Down here!”
They look down and see a frog beside the road. The frog says, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a world-famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!”
The girls look at each other, and one of them grabs the frog and stuffs it in her pocket.
The other girl says, “Why’d you do that?”
“I’m not stupid,” the first replies. “I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer.”

What has three legs and a butt on top?
A drum stool.

Why did they let a turkey join the band?
Because he had his own drumsticks.